Tuesday, November 5, 2013

How to Come Back from Being Hurt by a Friend

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We've all been there.  And not just in high school.  We have been hurt by friends.

They leave us out of plans, they forget to call, they ignore us at social events, they are not generous with time or resources.

It hurts.. I know.  I have been there many, many times (in high school AND as an adult).

We have a couple of choices (and you could mix and match some of these):
  • We can get mad at them
  • We can tell them we are mad at them
  • We can sulk and be sad
  • We can find new friends
  • We can let it go and be better friends ourselves..
Like I said, none of the above are islands, sometimes we try out 2-3 of them from an incident.  We might sulk and then get mad and then tell them, we might just walk away and find new friends.

Each situation is going to be different and you have to evaluate it.  Sometimes it is best to walk away, but you really have to count your losses when you do this.

My thoughts, in general?  Let it go and be better friends ourselves..

Having friends is not all about finding people that are identical to us.  People have different things that are important to them (not always the same things that are important to you), people spread their time out doing different things, sometimes people are flaky.

And here is the reality, if you like being friends with someone you are going to have to accept their weaknesses, differences and strengths all in one.  And that means that the cost of love and friendship is getting hurt sometimes.

If you are willing to (again, in general, not in abusive circumstances) let small hurts go and be better friends ourselves.. guess what?  The focus comes off you and your wants and puts it on others.  When we stop worrying about our wants all the time it seems that more of our needs get filled.. it's weird that way.

I don't want anyone to think you need to be a push over and a relenting giver (so much so that you are exhausted).  Do take time for yourself and think about your relationships.  Make sure both parites are getting joy out of the friendship.  If not, it might be time to move on but you always want to make sure you gave it your best shot and loved as much as you could.

Have you ever had a friend hurt you?  What did you do?  Share it in the comments.

2 comments:

  1. I think the first thing you can do is remember that you call this person a friend. Give them the benefit of a doubt. Sometimes it's because they got distracted or sidetracked, sometimes it's because they just aren't great about thinking of how their actions affect those around them. Try talking to them. Don't place blame, but say, "Because of our friendship I want to be honest and tell you I'm a little hurt by how that played out." If they still don't get it, then decide...can I accept that this person doesn't see it my way and move on? Likely if they don't get it at that moment, something similar will happen again. If you can be friends anyway...let it go. If you see a pattern of being hurt by this person and they will not sway in their behavior or attempt to see things from your perspective, maybe this isn't a healthy person to be friends with. It doesn't mean you have to cut ties completely, but it may mean that your contact with them stays on a ministry level, or on a less deep level where you won't feel as hurt if they flake.

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  2. I needed this :) thank you

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